Marriage Tide

If you know the path I’ve traveled, you would possibly understand that I’m not wishy-washy, but just wary of choices life gives me. I don’t share some of my doubts here, but there are some. I do get scared or at least anxious about getting married again to xX. She’s doing almost everything in her power to heal herself and the chasms she made in my life. She is still in therapy and is now involved with the church. She’s a great mom and more stable person. The influences that drove her into the mid-life crash are now seen as mistakes that she better understands the reasoning for now. Our intimacy is much better now than before. So why anxious?

Tasting life outside of my previous marriage showed me a few things. Yes, I worked on myself and became a much stronger man in belief, parenting, and physically. I had women actively seeking me out, which was an incredible ego boost and never before really experienced by me. I think that one of those relationships may have some part in xX realizing some things about me. Now that things are settling down again, the house is a home and we live all together in a very pleasant way, I’m seeing some personal relapse into my former self. I’m seeing her show some of her previous, um, things I didn’t like. The tide rolls both ways in the ocean.

So, I remind myself, marriage is freak’n HARD! It’s supposed to be. With great effort comes great reward. I didn’t feel like marriage was hard before because in 15 years of marriage, we probably had 3 noteworthy fights. We would avoid that, eat the problems, and go on without resolution. We were the ideal couple in the eyes of many of our friends. I felt lucky to have such a beautiful and devoted wife and regarded negative sexual tension as my ‘fault’. If it’s my fault, then I eat that feeling and we’re good all the other times. I’m broken, there’s just a small gap in the marriage, and we go on with life.

Now, I know that it wasn’t just me. My needs and desires are actually important and very normal. I know that we are still building a stronger marriage/relationship now and will forever be working on it. But knowing what is out there and what isn’t here I guess finally adds the nagging thoughts about whether I’m making the right choices or not.

Today, we woke up extra early, by chance, and went for a morning walk while kids and visiting grandmother still slept. It was good excercise, a nice time to talk, and enjoyable. I feel at peace with getting married now. A moment of high tide. I do know why the tide goes in the other direction and it’s hard to ignore. I guess it was much easier believing that I was always at high tide before. Feels good to nice and high, but there is so much space below the water level for furious kicking that nobody sees.  While I float here today feeling better, I have remind myself that this path is not an easy one and with great effort, I won’t drown.

I wonder what the people who have ‘easy-looking marriages’ do to stay floating.

FindingHeart
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9