My New Favorite Video!

Been too dang busy to post. Hope everyone is well. I’ll just post this touching video and get back to work. Peace all!

By Tim Hawkins

April 5th, My New Anniversary

Wow. If I sit still and think about it, I get the shivers. I am married again, the the same woman, forever.  The shivers exists because of where I came from 2 years ago when this whole thing started. It is hard for me to truly believe the distance I’ve traveled and find myself with the same wife. But this time is different.

No longer X or xX, I will call her ReWife. It’s not romantic, but descriptive. I was thinking about how my blog will be different not that I’m married again. I mean, haven’t I found my heart now? Well, the original intent behind finding ‘my heart’ was not a search for a woman. The search was for my true self, my independent self, the man who I wanted to be and the father I could be. I made great strides and in the process, got back together with ReWife. I do love her and want to live out my days with her by my side. But she is not my heart. My heart is not based on someone else. The stronger my heart is, the better I know it, the closer I am to achieving my original goals.

I see where my heart is and sometimes believe I let it slip back to places that hurt me. So my blog continues as a reminder for myself. I am broken, but healing. I am a whole man, but very capable of improvement. I love deeply and find myself still hiding parts of my heart. I am normal.

So I am not running the streets naked with the enthusiasm of a 21 yr old guy who married his first love. I am standing with my shoulders back, happy to have ReWife back at my side, ready to carry the weight of marriage and self-improvement, and wanting to be the best damn man/father/husband I can be.

ReWife, I love you and have loved you for a rather long time. I want the best for us together and I do want you to be happy in this life.

Blogosphere, I give you Mr and Mrs FindingHeart.

The End of an Error Fast Approaches

This weekend, FH will be saying his vowels, all 6, and will once again be married to a beautiful woman. She picked up my ring yesterday and, I have to say, it’s much better than the first.  Some of each of our families will be coming into town. Most of mine will be packed into our house for the weekend. Should be very interesting.

We decided a while back that this was not going to be an elaborate affair. Small ceremony in our back yard, (big oak trees and limestone walls make a pretty backdrop). I’ll grill up some meat for a small-ish meal afterwards. Mostly though, it’s a time for us to re-promise.

That has been my anxiety for a while now. I didn’t break my promise. I eventually tried to move on and had a building relationship with another good friend. But, xX is still the only woman I’ve been with in 20 years. I kept my promise, but admit I’ve also learned how to be a better husband.

It’s her big ‘do over’ and what I perceive to be the occasional lack of enthusiasm from her about making the marriage new again. I think that deep down, she believes that we are still married and that this is a formality. We’re getting married this weekend and last night was the first night she really spoke about plans for the weekend. She got my ring yesterday. She’s had her since I gave it to her atop the Empire State Building last November.  She says all the right words, but something peeks my anxiety about is this for real, still.  But, I’m all in.

Saturday evening, I’ll promise again and I’ll listen intently to her promise as well. I’m looking forward to the next 20 years and am going to work hard  to not just keep my promise, but help build a fantastic marriage again.

“I do.”

FindingHeart
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

Being of Man

The retreat was not what I expected, yet it went well. Being new to this group of men, but having attended this church for over a year, I found it uncomfortable being around a bunch of men whom I assumed already knew each other. That was groundless. Most guys didn’t know more than 1 or 2 other people there. Most conversation was light and introductory. Eventually, we grilled the meat we brought, ate, and soon gathered around the large fire pit at this man’s extensive retreat cabin in the Hill Country.

The discussions were centered around the theme, ‘Tell your story’. Men gave witness to how God has affected their lives, how they came to find God, or how this church made a difference in their lives. Some stories were from men who came from dark places, abusive places, or had to work hard to understand God’s presence. A few men were younger and they share that they felt awkward sharing their story when they came from a life-long loving and religious family, are still connected to a strong father, and are enjoying a strong and positive life right now. Towards the end of the evening of sharing, I shared most of my path, including my divorce. I received congratulations after announcing that my marriage is coming back together. After we ended the evening and sweaty men went into the cabin to fart and snore in their sleep, I stayed out by the fire to reflect and enjoy the company of a few other guys.

A so common theme in our stories was the role the father played or plays. There were 30+ men and at one point, the leader asked a couple of group questions. Just under half said that their father was their spiritual guide when growing up. Almost half of that group said their father was an active, positive part of their growing up. It’s a traditional role that the man plays. He goes out for many hours to hunt, kill, and provide for the family. One day, the son becomes a man and apprentice to his dad. The son learns to go out for long periods to hunt, kill, and provide. Unfortunately, I think that the part about coming back to be the spiritual leader and present male figure gets missed. The men that get that part, often get it because they do less of the hunt/kill and more of the provide/support for family. Eventually, that broadens until you have Ned vs Braveheart.

I learned a few things from the weekend retreat. I learned about myself. I learned more about the men in my church. I met a few on Sunday and they were still the normal, open to friendship guys I met a few days before. But I was also able to reflect on what I want for me and where am I going?

I have been having the deep, anxiety-centered feeling that questions my path. I know what I want and the re-building of trust has been key to me pursuing marriage with full vigor and passion. I found that I am bothered somewhat by xX’s appearance of ‘marriage as usual’, but that is because of how she sees the happy home. I have to communicate all of my marriage thoughts in order to build on rebuilding.

I am king of the castle and, if that is true, I have to restart the ‘working on me’ part that I did really well as a single father of two. I can have the spiritual awareness of Ned and the passion of Braveheart. It is not an either/or but a meal of opposites that I can feast on all at the same time. I will again be the man running with the spear in my hands, ready to conquer the stereotypes and negative attitudes. I will again feel the total passion of marriage and be aware of my faults so they don’t damage family. I will hold the Earth over my head so that my children can be lifted high, giving them every chance in the world to be self-confident, strong, brave, and never doubt that their father will lay down his life for them. I am a king and a king who knows that he is one among other kings. I will never want to be the guy in front who must scream the loudest or carry the banner, but I have to learn to look for the men who fight the same fight and band together to be great men, great fathers, passionate husbands, and men of faith.

I am returning to life. I will roar again.

FindingHeart
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

Riding Waves

I missed my opportunity to learn to surf in Hawaii many years ago. Despite that, I feel like I’ve been riding waves pretty well here.

Work has been busy. State testing for children went online and was a cluster F! It wasn’t my department’s deal, yet we were thrown under the wheels for it and had to put out fires for two weeks. That’s finally over. I had some fun working with several different schools, classes, and teachers. I’m finding more people receptive to online tools (free web 2.0 stuff) that can make such a difference in the classroom. (short list: diigo.com, twitter, google docs/earth, resizr, zamzar, glogster, to name just a few!)

My favorite random site lately? http://zombo.com It can be quite encouraging! LOL!!!

xX’s best friends family (4 peeps) moved in with us this week. They are moving out of state and needed a place for a week. It’s cool. Actually, I walked in yesterday and did my best Ricky Ricardo, “Lucies, I’m hoooome!” The friend was actually making dinner for the house while xX was taking care of kids. Damn, makes a guy think twice about the Mormon thing.

Leaving this evening for a men’s church retreat. Anxious about it since I don’t know these guys that well. Do know that they aren’t a bunch of ‘goodie boys’ or pansies. There will be steaks on the grills, beer, some chest beating I’m sure, and at the center will be a large group of men who take God seriously as the center of their lives. It could be good for me.

xX has been doing pretty good. She’s preoccupied with losing her friend (moving to Colorado) this weekend. We’re getting closer and I’m feeling more comfortable with her still. Still, worries me that we have yet to get to a ‘counselor’ to talk about how we can close the gap between my wishes/expectations and her (in)ability to provide/perform. Progress is being made, but still.

Have a great week! I’ve got to get to work. We’ll see if waking up at 3am this morning affects me in the long meeting I have planned for this morning. Grrrr.

Marriage Tide

If you know the path I’ve traveled, you would possibly understand that I’m not wishy-washy, but just wary of choices life gives me. I don’t share some of my doubts here, but there are some. I do get scared or at least anxious about getting married again to xX. She’s doing almost everything in her power to heal herself and the chasms she made in my life. She is still in therapy and is now involved with the church. She’s a great mom and more stable person. The influences that drove her into the mid-life crash are now seen as mistakes that she better understands the reasoning for now. Our intimacy is much better now than before. So why anxious?

Tasting life outside of my previous marriage showed me a few things. Yes, I worked on myself and became a much stronger man in belief, parenting, and physically. I had women actively seeking me out, which was an incredible ego boost and never before really experienced by me. I think that one of those relationships may have some part in xX realizing some things about me. Now that things are settling down again, the house is a home and we live all together in a very pleasant way, I’m seeing some personal relapse into my former self. I’m seeing her show some of her previous, um, things I didn’t like. The tide rolls both ways in the ocean.

So, I remind myself, marriage is freak’n HARD! It’s supposed to be. With great effort comes great reward. I didn’t feel like marriage was hard before because in 15 years of marriage, we probably had 3 noteworthy fights. We would avoid that, eat the problems, and go on without resolution. We were the ideal couple in the eyes of many of our friends. I felt lucky to have such a beautiful and devoted wife and regarded negative sexual tension as my ‘fault’. If it’s my fault, then I eat that feeling and we’re good all the other times. I’m broken, there’s just a small gap in the marriage, and we go on with life.

Now, I know that it wasn’t just me. My needs and desires are actually important and very normal. I know that we are still building a stronger marriage/relationship now and will forever be working on it. But knowing what is out there and what isn’t here I guess finally adds the nagging thoughts about whether I’m making the right choices or not.

Today, we woke up extra early, by chance, and went for a morning walk while kids and visiting grandmother still slept. It was good excercise, a nice time to talk, and enjoyable. I feel at peace with getting married now. A moment of high tide. I do know why the tide goes in the other direction and it’s hard to ignore. I guess it was much easier believing that I was always at high tide before. Feels good to nice and high, but there is so much space below the water level for furious kicking that nobody sees.  While I float here today feeling better, I have remind myself that this path is not an easy one and with great effort, I won’t drown.

I wonder what the people who have ‘easy-looking marriages’ do to stay floating.

FindingHeart
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

I’m Just Say’n…

There have always been jokes and statements about men and sex, but it just clarified a bit more for me today.

xX took the day off and stayed at home.  I had to go to work for the first half of the day. About 45 minutes into my day, I realized I had to go back to the house for my case. (I’ve never left it before.) I go into the house and she’s on the couch watching some old suspense movie. For around 10 minutes before getting to the house, I realized I was thinking about surprising her for some unexpected morning delight. I was ready when I walked in and started nuzzling and kissing soon after I was in the door. She was laughing at the surprise and was kind of affectionate, but the excuses flowed anyway. “I haven’t showered. I just ate. I this. I that.” But she left it with the idea there would be some luv’n when I came home mid day.

I left untouched, but with high hopes. By the time I was able to rush home, she was making herself clean and willing. Since it was lunch I also brought home some good BBQ. (Shut up! It isn’t romantic, but we’re in Texas and we like it!  :)  She came downstairs in just a Tshirt and we had lunch.

For desert, I had visions of various luv’n pictures in the living room. Nope, we had to go upstairs.  I got to her in the guest room and was able to get her going with the open window. A little bit of three play and then she passed over the request I always have and went right to her one comfortable position. It was good to have the fun, and I don’t want to suggest that it was bad, but I had pictures in my head, damn it! I was dream’n of Mt Everest and got the Rockies. I mean, they’re still great mountains. I’m just say’n.

After a bit of relaxing, she springs on me that she was going to head out to meet some friends and then go out for a late movie. I’d have the kids all evening. That’s not bad, I know and she’s hanging with a friend who will soon be moving away. But it wasn’t the idea I had for the evening.  I’m feeling twisted on the inside because my perfect day idea keeps getting chewed away. We come to the arrangement where we’ll go shopping for some things we were going to get, but take two cars so I could get the kids when she went to her gathering. I’m still getting twisted. I’m cussing at idiot drivers and feel short tempered.  I got laid only a few hours earlier and I’m feeling like this?!

We went to go get drape rods at Home Despot. We got 15 feet past the door and stopped at the grills. She ‘got me one’ for my birthday 2 weeks ago and decided we should go ahead and get it today. Very low mid range, but stainless, 4 burners, nice cabinet, sturdy sides, and just aching to be cooked on. We got it, put it in the truck and took it home.

Now, one the way home I noticed something. I wasn’t pissy, angry, cussing people out. I had a $300 grill in the back and was going to have time alone with the kids. These things made me happy. I didn’t have the slamm’n sexual time I wanted and my evening went totally different, but I was okay.

What did we learn? There would be many fewer angry or edgy men if there were more hummers in the world today. The war mongers probably rarely get pleased in this way and provoke evil meanness instead.  Lacking that satisfaction, buying nice big toys somhow replaces some of the anger. The desire is still there, but the mind may now focus on something new and shiny.

I’m just say’n…

Fajitas and beer this weekend if you’re in town.

A Scary Thing For Kids?

Found this pic on my cell phone. Forgot I took it some time ago.  This is an actual fish sandwich that I got when with the kids one day last year. It’s really a good thing that we didn’t just come from a Disney movie when we got it.  LOL!

I’m grieving that I accidentally deleted a better photo of it, but yes, the wrapper labeled the fish sandwich as ‘Nemo’. Perhaps someone had a beef with Disney that day?  Ha!! I totally think that a sense of humor at work is great, but handing a kid this sandwich may be a bit much.  …but I haven’t stop smiling yet. 

FindingHeart
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

Ah, Spring Break

I meant to post a ‘Gone Fishing’ graphic on the page early last week, but obviously Mr Lazy Pants just couldn’t get it done. The family took a trip to Houston to see more family. Went down and visited with Dad and I continue to worry about his progress. We spent some time de-crapping the house a bit yesterday. But the most fun had to be the 24 hours of camping.

I wasn’t planning on it being a long trip, but I just wanted to get back out in the tent. All four of us went camping for the first time ever. Only I had taken CuriousGeorge camping with her brother. xX getting in there was fun again. We put up a second tent for the kids, with only Mancub staying in it all night. He really liked having his own tent. We went fishing a bunch. CG has a practice lure on her pole and she threw it out several hundred times, as if really fishing. She has little interest in catching a fish, just casting. And she’s good too! Mancub fished his heart out. There was a lot of lake weed and very shallow water, so his enthusiasm was met with no return. I got little sleep most of the night. The first hour of no sleep was nice! (wink wink, nudge nudge) During that, the top of the tent was open and we could see stars, when facing that direction. (more winking, but now getting obnoxious) However, a few hours later, CG realized she didn’t have Teddy and had to join us. Then an hour or two later, we realized that dew settled in, like it was anticipating Noah’s return. The girls went to sleep in the truck and I pulled up a chair outside and pondered in the damp air.

How far I’ve gone and come in the last two years. How far I still feel like I have to go. I’ve been divorced for a year and a half, lived in a shared custody world for over a year, mentally changed into a better man and then lost some ground, am living with my children’s mother again, and still trying to learn trust and love.

Last Wednesday, we went to a small town nearby to get our new marriage license. Yes, we finally have the paper. We just need to have a preacher sign it. My sister, a relatively new preacher now, wants to do this wedding. We have 30 days to make it official. I’m happy that we’re getting to this point and, for the first time in my life, am nervous about getting married again.

I should right more about that later. For now, I leave you with CG’s pondering moment at the lake and my glorious only catch in the wee hours of the morn.

Happy Birthday!!!

This’ll be short as I have to get off to church and then run all day afterwards. But, I share a birthday with the great Texas Statesman Sam Houston and the entire state of Texas. Not bad for a grateful son of Texas.

Texas Independence day is when Texas proclaimed themselves an independent republic and separate from Mexico. Originally, Texas included land all the way through present day Colorado. We’re the only state that was also once a country. We’re the only one that can technically secede again if we wanted to, according to the charter Texas signed. But unfortunately, we’re also saddled with some negatives; such as Dallas, the Dallas Cowboys, and Dallas.

So, Happy birthday Texas. I’m honored to share this day with you.